An essential criterion to live by

Im slowly working my way to improving one critical facet of my life, and its a correction process that involves an exorbitant amount of patience. What is this most important thing? How good I look in the photos on all my picture ID, thats what. Yes indeed, this is very important. It is! Especially when you are passively vain as I am. Like who wants to look like JM in her Drivers Licence, where her face looks like someone just stole her french fries? (Sorry JM, but when the Motors & Vehicles branch attendant says no smiling, they mean 'use a neutral face', not 'go ahead and start frowning'. Its quite entertaining though. If you don't believe me, check through her purse sometime, when she is not looking. Why does her pic seem so sad?)

See I dont have the self confidence to pull off bad pictures, intentional or not. My buddy Hermes actually prefers to make funny faces in almost every picture taken of himself... because to him, its a funny momento that lasts as the years are long. He's a great photographer as well, who is is just as comfortable in front of the camera as he is behind it, and most importantly he doesn't give a shit, so he can completely pull it off. Morris is the exact same way, he actually prefers being goofy. And he has that type of moxy that makes it totally completely okay. I bet his Passport has him looking like a Hong Kong film triad gangsta avec his Cobra Kai- Johnny Lawrence scowl and he'd be proud of it. It those of us with weaker minds that fall victim.

And at least personal pictures you can eventually scrap, delete, and forget about. Bad pictures do happen, even when you are a wee bit handsome like me. (Im glad I dont have the same problem that ugly people have, for them pulling off a good photo is a lot of heavy lifting. But it is what it is) The matter compounds quite badly though for ID photos... since they last 5 years or more, and you are forced to display them to identify yourself again and again and again; they get a lot of repeat play action. And therefore a lot of self-reflective groans when its time to display them, if they are bad. Lets not forget, ID photographers are bad photographers by prerequisite, its part of the job description. Its takes a lot of hard work, favorable genetics and out right dumb luck to avoid the kisses of deaths they like to dole out on a daily basis.

One caveat though, I am not saying Im a big a proponent of the glamor ID photos either. YUCKS. Thats completely over acting, unnecessarily over the top. This is not your Facebook photo, you are not suppose to try so hard. Im more from the pure and unrefined school: I love candid photos, I love sans makeup photos. Its because they are natural and real. And thats the ideal look you want to pull off in any ID pic. Those that spend 2 hours in the bathroom to make themselves look good for a Passport, practicing their Zoolander look, and then pose for ID photos as if they are headshots for an auditioning call in Hollywood; those are just as offensive. I wont go there, so don't worry. The aim here is to hit a 7.5 on the dot; 5s and 10s are equally dreadful.

Now my Photo ID history has been a mixed bag of take some, leave some: never ever really achieving the consistency that should be the essential criterion to live by. My first Drivers Licence I was 16 years old, yet I looked twelve. Not good. Following that was the replacement when I was 18, which was better, and by better I mean I looked at least 15 by then. My UVic Student ID was next, which is more of the same, but during those years, I really cant help that I looked at least 4 years younger than everyone else my age. Since then I've been quite happy with my BC Drivers License, including the most recently renewed one last Christmas. And my Irish Drivers licence you may wonder? Its barely alright, but its only a laminated piece of pink flimsy paper, so no one takes it seriously anyways.

My Passports however were an area that was definitely left wanting, highlighted by the 2003 to 2006 stretch where in my passport pages, I looked mildly retarded. And I mean it. My true handicap? My eyes cant focus worth shit when I take my glasses off and dont have contacts, which has the same effect as hitting me with an ugly stick; my eyes go bug-eyed and wander in different directions. A picture was taken during this state. I would of rated it a 3 at best, which is an awful thing to carry around for 3 years. Thankfully it wasnt a full 5; Id been traveling so much, I quickly filled every page with Visas and stamps, requiring an early replacement. It was as if I done that by design, all in an aim to get rid of that abomination of a photo. The next two replacements have been quite good though, especially my current one, which nails a 7.5. Cant get better. Ive got to make this one last, which will be easier now since I have a jumbo size Passport with double the pages.

Now this leads me to my most current ID photo session, a renewal of my Irish Immigration card this past Friday. This was a sore spot as well, and for the last 5 years, Id been dealing with a photo that looked like my face had been stretched horizontally, making me look like Jabba the Hutt. Why in the world would they stretch my photo? Its yet another reason why I loath the Irish civil service: even if they do take a good photo, they manipulate it until it turns bad, which is the worst form of photoshop cheating. Luckily the stupid guy Ive dealt with the last few years is long gone, and the new officer at the Immigration office took a nice picture of me, and did not manipulate it this time. A saint. And I was wearing my black Banana Republic wool hoody contrasting with grey jacket, which Im now convinced is a awesome combo for IDs. Happy days.

So for the first time in my life, all my major IDs are decent. Phew!! Its a great accomplishment, probably one of the most under-rated accomplishments of all. Like how many can say they dont mind people rummaging through their wallet / purses anymore? At least I dont, not since Friday.