Missed Connections

Life is overly complicated as it is, but states of mind when it comes to your social life is very cut n dry, to me anyways: theres single people, attached people, and the lovely children who dont give a shit (yet). Most will say there are more types, with permutations in between, but I definitely disagree. For example, to give a point of reference and add scale, if there is a girlfriend that flirts with other boys and partakes in extracuricular majumbo... then state of mind is not attached, even if offically serious with partner, engaged, or married for 35 years. Titles and reality are never always one in the same. It goes the other way as well; if one is officially not seeing anyone, but completely crushing on or in love yet unrequited; thats attached. You see to me it really is a state of mind. Plutonic friends of the opposite sex but still do everything together; attached. My personal favorite though is the 8 year old boy down the street whose clothes were always dirty, had constantly messy and matted hair like he just woke up, had dried up crusty snot beneath his nose, didnt want to do anything else except roll around in the bush, and plainly and innocently equated girls with the bubonic plague. Life at its simpliest. The point is everyone, or at least almost everyone, has intimate experience of being in each of the three states, even though one of the states is impossible to acheive again after the ages of 10-12. We know how they all feel. #2 and #3 are the lucky ones. Blinders are on, nothing else exists. #1 though, even though some say to prefer it because of the liberal aspects, is the hardest one... you can sometimes do the craziest shit to either get out of it (find a meaningful relationship) or stay in it while maintaining sanity (get your rocks off with attempts at meaningless intimacy, usually involving great game skills or the lowering of standards.) Its either or, no inbetweens.

Yeah, so somebody being single can be a great thing and suck completely at the same exact time. And like I said, it can drive people to completely insane levels of delusion, but funny enough, still justifible somehow. This is why I love the Missed Connections phenomenon in classified Ads. Absolutely brilliant. No one, and usually I talk shit alot like as if I know some thing about something even though I dont really, just like in the paragraph above for example, but this time I insist that there is not a single person who has looked up Missed connections section in the classified without having at least the faint *hope* that one of the ads is a call out for them. And if someone denies it, I call complete bullshit on them. One might say its romantic, in a completely ass-backwards way lets be honest, but endearing nonetheless. And entertaining as hell... like how can you read this and not smile?

Heading: Gorgeous blonde with pink top was doing her hair on the northenline yesterday btw 6-7
-hi you was on northenline, a beautiful blonde girl with pink top and white jumper, you was doing your hair on the tube, we only had eye contact, and shared a smile, i wasnt brave enuf to ask for drink we both get off at camden town, i was wearing grey coat, i felt something strange inside when i first saw you, mail me plz


LOL... "something strange inside", its a called a rush of blood to the penis.

or this one:

Heading: Man with brown teddy bear.
-I was walking along Hornby and you were driving in your hot red car with your cutums brown bear in the passenger seat. I waved, you waved..now I want you
...and the bear.
Please take me home. *paw*


This is all good stuff. Im not innocent at all in this either. Twice in my life I was a frequent subscriber to the weekly Missed Connections classifieds, but with real vested interest. During my first engineering workterm, i was commuting to Ballard in North Vancouver (at the time) using the Sea bus from Downtown. On the sea bus was this blushingly cute girl (she had short hair, just as I like, and looked like Natalie Imbrulia) that seemed to sit near me every time we ended up on the same trip. We'd catch each other looking every once in a while, and every time I made quick eye contact, I would freeze, my heart would stop and Id go clamy, all mostly because Im a verified pussy. And also remember, this was the year when the high socks, plaid skirt fashion was in, and she wore that about twice a week. Im Jello against those powers(and why doesnt this fashion trend come back, why? Did sexual assault go up as a result or something? Unfortunately this combo has been relegated to strippers only). That whole term, I checked for the Georgia Straight missed connections like clockwork. No luck. Thats what you get for being shy. (and no I didnt put an ad up, cuz thats embarassing; I was hoping she would, how more passive could you get..)

Second time was when I first started working for ABB and was taking the bus from Kits to North Vancouver. On the first bus, from Kits to downtown, there was another girl, equally lovely and show stoppingly pretty. I was so bad that sometimes I would let busses go by until I spotted her inside one of them. For a couple months, every day would be the same, get off at Granville and West Pender, and wed both go to the starbucks for morning double tall cappucino. Following each other in silence, mind you. One day, she smiled at me and said hi, and I subsequently had a mild heart attack. Dont remember much after that point. Never saw her again after that though, and my hopes were dashed when nothing appeared in the missing connections ads calling me out, i was expecting something like this "funny lookin dude that didnt speak to me while lining up at starbucks after getting off the Seymour bus". Again, Im a complete verifiable pussy.

And to conclude, and Im not going to take credit for this, but heres something cut and paste, an entertaining read:

I love reading missed connections just for the entertainment value. It's good to see how seriously deluded some of these people are. As far as i can tell there's four types of advert.

1) The Ali G

It's always written by some guy who uses textspeak and wants to pretend he's some cool brotha who's so chilled he couldn't even be bothered to talk to the girl. Truth is he works in Phones 4 U, lives at home with his mum and gets the bus to work.

The advert

Yo sista I waz on the numba 44 bus rollin thru ma crib wen I spies u out da corna of ma eye, u was boom bangin in my neighbourhood but I waz 2 bizee chillin listenin to some phat tunes to come and chek u out. So holla back if u wants to hook up and get ya crunk on.
Laters
Kaz

2) The sex crazed Borat

My personal favourite. In reality some sad IT worker who lives at home by himself and harrasses any women on the tube who accidentally looks at him.

The advert

Hey babies, I have never seens such beauties before I have sawn you on the London Undertube the Piccalili Blue line. You have many beautiful long black hairs and goldens smiles that makes my groins moist. I was the cute guy with moustache in the maroon dungarees wearing a green beret, I am official number one love man machine in Londons Town. Maybe we can meet up for a cup of beer and some sexy bedlove times.
Ciao Armando

3) The Executive

The high flyer who was on his way to work in the city. He has it all the looks, the great job and the charm, so why he's posting on Gumtree??!. In reality he's a HSBC bank clerk who lives in a bedsit in Hackney and spends his evenings looking through mail order bride catalogues.

The advert

Yah hey babe I would never dream of posing on Gumtree as I have lots of girls who want to date me but I had to say you were really cute. I saw you on the Jubilee line when I was off to work in my highly paid banking job in the city and you just blew my mind. I was the pasty faced guy in the Primark suit emailing my mum on my Blackberry GZ400 with built in GPS. Things is I have two tickets for the rugger at Twickers next week so if you would care to join me just drop me a line on my Blackberry (did I mention I own one)
Au Revoir Tristan


4) The good old fashioned stalker

Finally the old classic. Bad dress sense, bad attitude and bad breath and unlike the others what you see is what you get.

The Advert

Remember me the guy who eyeballed you in the park and then accidentally bumped into you and groped your lovely body. I felt there was a connection I knew you enjoyed it as much as me. I know you didn't mean to scream out for a policeman. Anyway we should meet up, maybe I'll come round and pick you up, after all I already know where you live.

your secret admirer
XXX

Simon Cowell

- Got the iPod Touch today, express delivery from a coworker who was in Maine last week (if possible never buy electronics in Europe, because they physically turn you around, bend you over, and do the business, pants on or not). Showed it to 4 friends at work.. and now there is nothing in the world they want more, save an Audi R8. It is a remarkable piece of kit, and its exactly what I wanted... the iPhone without the phone. The iPhone is eventually gonna get better, and gonna get smarter, gonna get 3G, and hopefully, gonna get less tied in to single carriers and become legally unlockable. Up until then this will suit me grand. Plus its thinner. I like thin. Just like how i like my chi......ps. I miss the days though, all of 3 years ago, when I use to call my 3rd Generation iPod, the one with the seperate function buttons that glow red, no color screen with a blue backlight, and superthick, and yet still cherish it unconditionally and call it my only irish friend. Since then iPods have become more popular than fully shaved female genital regions, so any exlusivity I once held is now gone. And also Ive upgraded already twice since then... so the prized asset which once held king status now has the same personal devotion and state of fondness that I hold for some of my shoes; no longer top ledge hollywood hills, but dwelling in the upper middle class.

- Im in a real upbeat and commercial for the masses mood today. So I thought Id post some wholesome feel good pop songs from the UK. Enjoy.

This is Leona Lewis, last years winner of X Factor. She is HOT. She was really cute when she won last year, but she is insane hot-hot now. I think thats the magic of having a personal make-up artist on you for a whole year, I call it the Kelly Clarkson effect. And to think, she almost lost the competition to some kid that looks like this.




On a related note here is the 2005 XFactor winner Shayne Ward. I like this kid, hes Irish too... but grew up in the UK. I posted him on Facebook earlier, but I like this song quite abit so screw it..



And here is his newer song. Another reason why he steps way above the usual boyband singer/backstreet wannabe crowd, he sings songs about the "no you hang up, no you hang up" relationship rubbish. He rules. Girls really go nuts for this guy too, like too much, unhealthily. I have a feeling though he is going to pull a Wentworth Miller one of these days and shock everyone one by going gay.

Im going to do a Seinfeld

Listening to random songs randomly right now and while laying back n listening, Ive noticed a few peculiarities with words in song. Lyrics are funny: This should sound familiar

"When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day"

So this is actually from a happy song... Smile, Lily Allen.. but I bet you never notice the context of the actual lyrics when its playing, cuz for this song, youd be too busy bobbing your head to the poppy beat. Reading these lyrics in isolation however, youd think it would belong to some so deep sad slow song, like Fione Apple, Aimee Mann, or Beth Orton. But nope, not in this case, instead 12 year olds are dancing.

Heres another one:

"Your face is pasty
'Cause you've gone and got so wasted
What a surprise
Don't want to look at your face, 'cause it's making me sick "

Normally one would read this and think an angry song, moody and probably loud; Actually its a quite modest and catchy song, Foundations by Kate Nash. Its almost like the lyrics dont fit the song, and maybe thats why I like it so much, a lyrical juxtoposition (its a big word so I cant be sure of spelling, or dont even know if I used it right)

What Im also trying to say though, behind it all, is I really dig this new trend of English Female Artists actually singing with English accents... I love it. Stop trying to sound so American already...

Haka

Imagine if the Columbus Bluejackets made it to the Stanley Cup finals. Or the Arizona Cardinals made it to the Superbowl. Or the Colorado Rockies made it to the World Series. Or that Paris Hilton won Miss America. A travasty by all definitions possible. The equivalent is happening right now, as Im watching the Rugby World Cup on television (yet another stoic realization that I live in Europe), England has made the finals against the Springboks of South Africa. Its not a stretch to say 90% of world wide rugby followers are sickened by this because the English really do suck. Theyve played shite for a good 4 years now, and all they do is string together 2 impressive wins (against first the imposing Aussie squad, and then against the superb home-siders France who beat the All Blacks btw) and suddenly they are in the finals. No one is giving them credit though, and Im the same way. They truly are the Atlanta Hawks of Rugby, that just got lucky for a few games.

Everyone expected the All Blacks to dominate this World Cup anyways. My kiwi friends were broken and shattered when they lost to France, because up until then, it had been a foregone conclusion. Its why I bought little toddler Tyson a wee All Blacks jacket for Xmas, so he could walk around lookin cool. I just need to teach him some Haka moves, which will convert him in to the coolest kid alive. A baby doing the Haka? wicked... Anne Marie and Ron, In my absence please do this for me.

Hmmm... I realized this is not intersting at all to about everyone in Canada right now. But Im watching Rugby, so I cant think of anything else. Ill post it anyways... quantity not quality.

Woh.. ( ala Joey from Blossom)

This is something Ive never done before... post twice on the same day. In effect really, the number of posts that I submitted today doubles what I did for the whole month of August... and a few other months that need not be mentioned. Ill go with it though. Plus its 22:10 on the Sunday, and Im kinda stuck for something to do... apart from talking and playing with the neighborhood cat that just walked in my front door (He has stripes and looks like a tiger, I call him Hobbes. Currently my only friend)

HOBBES


Wanted to build on something Ive already introduced during my insomnia post from Thursday late night / Friday morning. Friday Night Lights (Forgive me for being a season behind, but Im in Ireland. Thats my defence, they dont even show it here, cuz football to them is Gaelic football, or to a lesser extent, Soccer) Started watching Thursday, couldnt stop, two days in a row I fell asleep past 5am, and unsurprisingly its become one of my new favorite shows of all time. I must admit that I did watch the pilot of this show internet streaming months and months ago, and maybe I didnt pay full attention while I was watching that, but I didnt bite at the time. It was okay, alright, a solid 6. But then I read all the pleas on the various websites I frequent, consistently praising the show with critical and public acclaim; the most prominent example being from Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy from ESPN. He practically begged his readers to watch the show, because although it was undoubtly one of the highest quality shows on TV going, its Neilsen ratings were not exactly the Georgie Best. The show needed help to gain more viewership and avoid being cancelled. But the fans of the show, the ones that did watch, loved it passionately with cult-like vigor, and I can now totally understand why: if you ignore the Football, it easily has the most accurate portrait of modern high school dynamics in all the history of TV; I honestly believe this ( I threw in the word modern, because Freaks and Geeks was just as good in depicting 80s High School adolescence). This is one of those shows that is executed so skillfully that it doesnt have to rely on any dramatic gimmicks, its just a plainly well written serial built on solid fundamental storytelling... much like the Wire, much like the Sopranos. And of these shows, the only way I could describe it properly, is that if you enjoy the input and stimulation you get from reading a good solid novel, namely strong and consistent character development and a well paced slow building story, and somehow want to simulate that experience the closest possible way on a television program... then shows like the Wire, Sopranos and now Friday Night Lights are the closest you can ever come. No contrivance, just good accurate fresh material and story telling, with three dimensional characters you cant help care about. No ridiculousness required.

And of course, there is Minka Kelly, the girl who plays Layla Garrity, captain of the cheerleading team and girlfriend to the Quarterback. She is shocking, so unbelievably and life changingly stunning. I have fallen hard, she is my new love, easily the cutest girl in the history of my eyesight, Oh My Goodness. She is just way too cute, its really not fair. I love this show.

Sad part is, just to kick me in the balls, I just found out as of last month she is now dating John Mayer. I really cant believe it. He is the guy that gets to feel up her boobs? ASSHOLE ASSHOLE, what is it with this guy? As if I couldnt dislike this guy enough already... John bloody freakin Mayer. Argghhhh... aparently she hasnt seen the facial contortions he makes when he sings? It shatters mirrors, honestly. The only way I could be more upset is if she was dating Stephen Dorff or Wilmer Valderrama.

And on that note, building on the previous singing out loud post, Music Im listening to right now:
Band of Horses ( the brand new one and the old one too. New Album has a song called Detlef Schrempf. AWESOME)
Cat Power
Corrine Bailey Rae
John Legend

Random music Post

I promised to myself to note the next time I sang out loud in my car, completely carefree, singing along to songs that I loved. Like the 'Free Falling' driving scene in Jerry Maguire, I truly believe everyone does this. Its like peeing. Even Grandma does it. It happened last night, while I was driving to Tescos to pick up some Taco mix, here we go: Last summer last year I started listening to Phoenix, a band from France. They are French, but actually only sing in English. And the refreshing and stunny aspect of this, they dont even sing like Pepe le Peu at all ( which would of been so unbelievably mindblowing, by its own right). I didnt even know they were French, and didnt pick up on it even though the recommendation came from my French friend Djamilia. WHILE I was in Paris that summer even (I never pretended to be the sharpest box cutter in the Airport lost and found). And this band is good. Really really good. I dont know why it took me so long to mention them, but the whole "what they are french?" reaction you get after listening to them, like other Frenchies such as Daft Punk and Air and the rest, I thought it was kinda shocking and funny. Anyways I sang loud, and sang often, but mostly hummmed and bobbed my head cuz I didnt know all the words.

Believe me anyways, you dont want to hear me sing. Dogs cry usually.

TV Insomnia

I dont know how to put this in words. Its 5am in the morning and I havent slept yet. Worst of all, its self imposed, with the normally inocuous task of watching a tv series. First time I did this, it was with Adam, Marty and the Sopranos. "Lets just watch the next one" he said. All their fault. And now its almost become habit whenever a good show comes around, the most recent ones were sleepless marathons of Dexter and the Wire. Five. EH. EM. And six episodes of Friday Night Lights later, I am where I am now. Its the bane of my existence and my biggest weakness in the world, the love / hate reality of TV serials now being available on DVDs and avi downloaded seasons; Seriously its now possible to burn through a complete season in no time whatsoever, in a vegetable state, and if you take a weak soul like me, and allow him to constantly press the button for more cheese.... Im gonna keep on pressing the button until I throw up.

I need to work in 3 hours. I suck. I am absolutely screwed for work.

But, uh, since Im so fubar anyways... might as well watch the next one.

Sorry this one is not funny or well written. but Im delirous... its 5am I said. This late in the night, Im glad I can speel.

Mykonos + 1 day

(Writers Note, I started this post in Greece, but didnt find the time to finish it, so Im polishing it off from the confines of my Irish couch. So its really not the same)

-Im in Mykonos with 3 friends, Australian girls (okay this is the part when Morris goes crazy again and starts invisioning porn plots, his ultimate fantasy) 3 girls..which I must admit is almost minimum requirement, in Mykonos unless youre gay. Not that Mykonos is totally Gay... but it kinda is. Which is fine, Im okay with that, but its so much easier to avoid dudes giving you googly eyes when are with girls. Let alone 3. So lets just consider it safer in numbers. Cuz you never know when you accidently end up at a gay beach. A nudie one.

-Met this one Canadian guy though that was a goof. And he was from Victoria... and he kept on saying "Im from Canada!" Argh... you tool. He was one of those guys. Giving Canadians a bad name. "Im from Canada!". Believe me, I can tell with the full on Roots kit youre wearing, jerk-wad. What made things worser (again, my word. worser, own it) was he also was one of those white guys that thinks he can dance awesome to hip hop, all Usher / JT styles.. but really he cant.. cuz he looks like a floppy loser going spastic. Almost there, but not quite refined, so in the end, really the result is idiot status. And spazzy, cuz he took up more than enough real estate with his footwork. Keep to yourself friend, dont violate the space. Yes he was one of those guys as well. He combined two "those guys" statuses. Unreal. I didnt like em and when he introduced himself to me in the bathroom... I told him I was from Ireland. The BATHROOM! I told Danni, Niki and Linda that there are some bad Canadians... like "that guy" guy.

- Just came from Santorini which was awesome... but Id have to say not the same anymore cuz Ive already seen it once, so I knew what to expect. Hmmm.. I didnt know how to feel about that at the time. This will probably be the closest I can ever complain about being in the Cyclades.

- 7 Hour layover in Athens. Arrive in Dublin midnight. ARGGGGHHHHHHH... will post photos later... but not much.. i didnt realize i had salt water spots on my lens... stupid gorgeous blue green sea...